Letting Go

I want to start this off by saying I wrote this MONTHS ago, but never published it. Just as I finished it, big things happened in our lives. Things that were hurtful and painful, but brought us through the fire and refined us even more. So, although all my feelings in this are true, God has made HUGE changes in me, AGAIN- March 2018

It's funny because I re-started this blog to talk about how we became homeless and I haven't really talked about that. It's still something that is hard for me to talk about. It's still something that I have hurts from. That I have some bitterness about. God has been absolutely amazing bringing me out of this insane cloud of bitterness. But it's not all gone. I think before I can really get into that I need to be able to dwelve into my past a little bit.
    When we were homeless we had so many people ask us why our family wouldn't help us. Ask us what was wrong with us to where we didn't have anyone to turn to. To be completely honest, that struck a chord with me. Not just because it's so callous and so uncaring and so dismissive of the situation that we were in and of each individual's responsibility towards another living human being. But because I had so often asked myself "what was so wrong with me?" " how come my mom couldn't love me enough to walk away from drugs and alcohol?" " how come my dad couldn't love me enough to not hit me and abused me and molest me and rape me?" " how come, even though he did all those things, and I was willing to forgive him in order to receive his love...I still wasn't enough?" "How come no matter how much I tried to reach out to my siblings, they did not show a bit of care for me?" How come no matter how much I gave to people, I shared my time, I did everything in my power to earn love from others I could never get the love and acceptance that I craved?"
   These were not questions that I had to ask myself. These were questions that I had also asked my husband. He would tell me that it is not me. Its them. My response was ALWAYS " but does that make sense? They are ALL wrong?!"
   I am a people-pleaser. I was trained that way. I was brainwashed to be that way. And that's what I did to earn love. And yet no matter what I did, I felt like no one ever saw me. There were people who came into my life that I just loved that I clung to that I wanted to claim as family because I didn't have family. But no matter what I did, no matter what my husband did, we were just never the people that others noticed. I could do the same exact thing as one of my friends and they would get recognized and I wouldn't. It hurt. There would be times at church where people would make a huge fuss about someone leaving because we lived in a military town and it was a common thing. People would cry and have parties and go out of their way to spend time with those people. But when it came time for us to leave, no one seemed to notice. We didn't have parties and fuss. We had "oh you're leaving already I didn't know that."
  We have done a lot of stupid and desperate things to earn love and be accepted. And it never ended up being good enough.
  During the holidays I would always be sad and depressed. Because I wanted my kids to have a big family to have people who were joyous over them who wanted to celebrate them who wanted to spoil them. When my kids would come in ask me how come we don't have grandparents but all of our friends do it would depress me. When I would see my siblings celebrating with each other and celebrating with my dad it made me feel inadequate, it made me feel empty. And I know my husband suffered the same. Even friends who have called us family didn't necessarily treat us as family, so we still craved a true real family experience. Family that I still had in my life, I considered very important, but my view on them seem to be much more elevated than their view on me. And just like with those friends and just like with my family I always felt like I was working to earn love from them to try to get them to notice me, to want to talk to me, to spend time with me, to want to send my kids cards, to acknowledge their birthdays. It was a heartbreaking empty Life to Live daily. And it caused a lot more issues in our family. It caused us to not always act with logic and to have boundaries. It caused us to jump deeply into relationships with other people to just try to very quickly get that love and family feeling that we were craving. It caused us to do things for people all the time even when it was inconvenient. And buy things for people. And give give give to people who just wanted to take take take.
  I wish that I could say that we are past this and we are beyond this. But even recently we have found ourselves falling into the excitement of being around people and having them treat us nice while we're giving. And to disregard us and disregard our feelings when we're not giving. I can say that in the year that we have been in Arizona God has worked mightily in US. Especially me. He has shown me that I only need him to fill that void. That he loves me no matter what and I don't have to do anything to earn it. I don't even deserve it and he gives it to me. That he loves my children more than I do. He values my marriage more than I do. He calls my husband his son and he loves him dearly. And I need to strive to please him not man. When I'm feeling empty and I am feeling alone he is the one that I can turn to and he will always be there to comfort me and protect me. He is our family and he has blessed us with 5 beautiful children that we are instructed to raise up in him. And they will be our legacy. In this period of intense pain where I was hurt once again God showed me all of this. He used my pain to help me grow and make me stronger. And in that I realized that I didn't even desire any longer to be a part of the family that had spent years abusing me. That I shouldn't want to be loved and cared for by the family who didn't want me. I had him to turn to and he wants me. In all of that and being brought to this peace that overcame me I was able to let go of a lot of things that I have been holding on to. And once I let go,God brought amazing people into our lives that I consider family. And I know those people love me and love my kids and love my husband no matter what. They love us like family. They don't need to tell me all the time that I am their family. They don't need to reassure me that they see me as family. They don't call me their daughter or their sister most of the time. But their actions and their love show me that we are family.

Me too...

How many of you have seen the status "me too " come across your facebook feed in the last couple of days? Seeing this really does stir so much up for me. I personally have seen too many. Its heartbreaking.
  How many of us go day to day holding this all in not talking about it? Why do we do this? For me personally it was because of the constant brainwashing I got as a child.
  I was told so many things. That I was loyal, and loyal people don't tell secrets, no matter what. Loyal people don't stab each other in the back. Loyal people protect each other, no matter what. That it was love. The world doesn't agree, but this is true love. He told me he loved me so much he just couldn't help it . I was given vile disgusting literature and magazines to "normalize" it. I was threatened with harm. I was told I would be taken away and forced to live with people who were worse. That people would hate me.
  I was put into a horrible position. I loved my dad. I didn't want to see him hurt. And he just loved me so much, right? He couldn't help it. I didn't want to be a disloyal person. I didn't want to go live with someone else worse. So I kept my mouth shut. I protected him.

          BUT THEY WERE ALL LIES

I carried this into other relationships. I carried this into adulthood. I was brainwashed for years. And it is so hard to re-train your brain. We learn to protect those that hurt us. Some never learn not to.
  But God showed me otherwise. Are we not still shackled by our captors when we continue to protect them? Are we not still under their power? I was. Even years removed and thousands of miles away. I told people that I was close to. Ones that I knew would never come into contact with him. But I still protected him with our family. I still protected him with friends. I would not risk speaking out and him finding out that I "betrayed" him. I was still a prisoner.
  For years God worked on me and my heart. He encouraged me to break free of those chains and trust him. And I didn't. I wish I would have sooner. It was JUST SO FREEING once i did.
  One year I had a little too much to drink. I called my dad and I asked him why. I said "why did you do that to me?Why did you think it was ok? You were supposed to protect me"  He asked me if I was recording the call. He asked me if my husband knew. Even then I was afraid to tell him. I said " I don't keep anything from my husband" He said "so he knows?" Then I said "I didn't say that..." I was still captive. The call ended with him telling me that he never did anything wrong to me, he just loved me too much.
  What does the bible say about all of this? How does God feel? Because he is not silent on the subject.
  There are rapes in the bible. Not one of them was swept under the rug or kept quiet. They all lead to war. One in particular involved Jacobs daughter Dinah. Dinah was raped by Shechem the Hivite, who was chief of that region. A powerful man. Not only did he see her and take her, but then he professed to LOVE her. He said he loved her so much that he wanted to marry her. When her brothers found out they went and spoke to him. They pretended to be onboard with his plan to marry her and combine their two cities. They said they had one condition though. All the men needed to be circumcised. On the third day after all the men were circumcised and weak, they went into the city and killed all the men.
The other cases have a few details that are different, but ended much the same way.
  In Deuteronomy 22:25-27 we see laws condemning this behavior.  “But if in the field the man finds the girl who is engaged, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lies with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the girl; there is no sin in the girl worthy of death, for just as a man rises against his neighbor and murders him, so is this case. When he found her in the field, the engaged girl cried out, but there was no one to save her.”
  God also says "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open"Luke 8:17
So we know that God does not think this is ok. And we know that God wants all things brought into the open. We also know that HIS love looks NOTHING like what we have been told is love.
Love is patient
love is kind.
It does not envy
it does not boast
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others
it is not self-seeking
it is not easily angered
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

I support this "Me too" campaign. I feel it is a good step in the right direction. We need to teach others that they can stand up. They can voice their hurts and their pains. Because, lets be honest, its not just the perpetrator that makes victims feel like they can't speak about it. It is just as much of a taboo topic as mental illness. People look at you different. People tell you that you probably shouldn't talk about it. Family members stop talking to you....
  I want you all to know it's ME TOO. I am here for you. The Lord is there. He wants you to speak. He wants to heal all your broken pieces.
  When I first started my journey with the Lord, as a brand new believer he gave me a promise. A promise I want to share with you .
 
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

When the Lord first told me this, I said to him 'I dont believe you. I dont think you can....but i will TRY to trust you"

In my most broken moments ,sometimes all i could do was read this verse over and over,reassuring myself of his promise to me. 

  I want to tell you that I am not whole yet. I will only be whole when i stand face to face with him. But the repairs he has made in me were beyond my wildest dreams. And i KNOW he can do the same for you.