Betrayal of Hope

Yesterday something was posted on several of my friends Facebook's. It has really struck me and stuck with me. A women was married to an abusive man. They had six kids, and she finally got the courage to leave him. So he murdered her. Right in front of their six kids. Its such a horrible and heartbreaking thing. I didn't know her personally. But I have several friends who did. It brings a lot to the forefront of my mind.
   Now, I can't speak for her and her situation, because I have no idea what exactly went on here. But I can speak from personal experience. And I can speak from what I have witnessed. And what I have experienced makes me question what we are doing for these people AS A CHURCH. Because we are a church. All together, we who believe in Christ Jesus, are a church. And if I'm totally raw and honest with you, this is the one major issue that has made me question ever going to a church again.
  I come into Christian groups where I see a very very firm line on some things. I see women being told that they need to leave their fertility up to God. That they need to trust the Lord in this area to provide. But in the same groups I see women SHAMED if their families use any form of government assistance. No, its not everyone, but it does happen, a lot. In the same groups, I see that when women ask for help in any way, they are usually first directed to public assistance. I see the exact same thing in the church. How do you win?
  You may wonder how this has anything to do with an abusive situation. Well, a lot of times women won't leave because they know they can not provide for their children on their own. And their abuser knows this as well, and holds it over them. They know what they are doing and they know that these women have nowhere to turn. More people have no family than you realize.
   When we were homeless I can't count how many people told us to go to our family for help. We have no family. And I was treated like a disease for that. Consider this, a lot of people come to Christ, and in doing so leave their family behind. Families riddled with drugs and abuse. Unbelievers who bring nothing but toxicity into their lives.Does Jesus not say "For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." Does that mean Jesus wants divided families? No! He is telling us what WILL happen when you dedicate your life to the Lord. Your family will turn against you, because people turn against Christ and those that represent him. Also because the bible tells us "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?"
So what happens to relationships when we stop having fellowship with each other? They dry up. They disappear. As you grow closer to Christ, you grow farther from the unbelievers in your past. As it should be. But on the flip side we know we are supposed to grow closer to our Christian family. We are supposed to be in fellowship with one another. We have many examples of this in the bible. We are told to be in complete unity. The Greek words translated “fellowship” in the New Testament mean essentially a partnership to the mutual benefit of those involved. The bible calls us brothers and sisters and HIM the Father. So that leaves me to believe that we are to be a family.
  Family takes care of each other. How many verses can you think of that call us to care for one another? To lift each other up? To love one another? To live as family?
-do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:4
-Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
-Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor Romans 12:10
- So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith. Galatians 6:10

I could go on and on. There are so many in the bible that it would take up a great amount of space to put them all here. It makes it impossible to ignore. We need to love and care for one another. There's no way around that.

  Yet, just as I see women being told that they are on their own financially, I am seeing them being told they are on their own in unhealthy marriages. I see women being told that they need to submit more. Read their bible more. Be more patient. Respect better. I see threads full of advice for women to keep trying and keep changing. And often, the men are defended. "He probably lashed out like that because you nagged him" Excuses are made for abusive behavior and women are told they just are not doing enough.
Women are told they can't leave because their husband didn't cheat.
  This is not how it should be! We as a church should be caring for each other. Opening our homes. Coming alongside the entire family. We should not have pastors telling women that they don't have time for it, so find a councelor somewhere. We should not have men floundering, begging for help. Only to be ignored. Families struggle in hurt and loneliness while everyone stands around idly saying " I sure hope you can get someone to help you. We are praying" Don't get me wrong, prayer is great, its important, and it works, but we are called to action!
  If we can INSIST that people stay in a marriage, INSIST that they keep having babies and trust the Lord ( which I absolutely agree with)
INSIST against abortion and INSIST against government assistance, then we MUST INSIST that we care for one another. Come along side each other, open our homes and our hearts and treat each other as family. We need to be the church that we are called to be. We are to care for our own.
"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8
Because when we don't, tragedies happen. Tragedies that could have been prevented.
If anyone knows and understands how hard it can be to get help, its me. Its my children. Its my husband.
  I am not saying this was anyone's fault. (Besides the man who did it) I don't know. But I am saying that from personal experience, help is often not present. How as believers does that set us apart? I'm not condemning anyone. This doesn't apply to everyone. But, through major hardships of our own, and watching how CHRISTIANS often respond to situations, I see that often times unbelievers have more love and compassion.
Isn't that a little upside down? I once heard my pastor preach on this. How do we expect to bring people to the faith this way? I think its time we take a good hard look at ourselves as believers.
  I say this ALL completely in love as someone who has experienced this hurt from the church, MY FAMILY.

Letting Go

I want to start this off by saying I wrote this MONTHS ago, but never published it. Just as I finished it, big things happened in our lives. Things that were hurtful and painful, but brought us through the fire and refined us even more. So, although all my feelings in this are true, God has made HUGE changes in me, AGAIN- March 2018

It's funny because I re-started this blog to talk about how we became homeless and I haven't really talked about that. It's still something that is hard for me to talk about. It's still something that I have hurts from. That I have some bitterness about. God has been absolutely amazing bringing me out of this insane cloud of bitterness. But it's not all gone. I think before I can really get into that I need to be able to dwelve into my past a little bit.
    When we were homeless we had so many people ask us why our family wouldn't help us. Ask us what was wrong with us to where we didn't have anyone to turn to. To be completely honest, that struck a chord with me. Not just because it's so callous and so uncaring and so dismissive of the situation that we were in and of each individual's responsibility towards another living human being. But because I had so often asked myself "what was so wrong with me?" " how come my mom couldn't love me enough to walk away from drugs and alcohol?" " how come my dad couldn't love me enough to not hit me and abused me and molest me and rape me?" " how come, even though he did all those things, and I was willing to forgive him in order to receive his love...I still wasn't enough?" "How come no matter how much I tried to reach out to my siblings, they did not show a bit of care for me?" How come no matter how much I gave to people, I shared my time, I did everything in my power to earn love from others I could never get the love and acceptance that I craved?"
   These were not questions that I had to ask myself. These were questions that I had also asked my husband. He would tell me that it is not me. Its them. My response was ALWAYS " but does that make sense? They are ALL wrong?!"
   I am a people-pleaser. I was trained that way. I was brainwashed to be that way. And that's what I did to earn love. And yet no matter what I did, I felt like no one ever saw me. There were people who came into my life that I just loved that I clung to that I wanted to claim as family because I didn't have family. But no matter what I did, no matter what my husband did, we were just never the people that others noticed. I could do the same exact thing as one of my friends and they would get recognized and I wouldn't. It hurt. There would be times at church where people would make a huge fuss about someone leaving because we lived in a military town and it was a common thing. People would cry and have parties and go out of their way to spend time with those people. But when it came time for us to leave, no one seemed to notice. We didn't have parties and fuss. We had "oh you're leaving already I didn't know that."
  We have done a lot of stupid and desperate things to earn love and be accepted. And it never ended up being good enough.
  During the holidays I would always be sad and depressed. Because I wanted my kids to have a big family to have people who were joyous over them who wanted to celebrate them who wanted to spoil them. When my kids would come in ask me how come we don't have grandparents but all of our friends do it would depress me. When I would see my siblings celebrating with each other and celebrating with my dad it made me feel inadequate, it made me feel empty. And I know my husband suffered the same. Even friends who have called us family didn't necessarily treat us as family, so we still craved a true real family experience. Family that I still had in my life, I considered very important, but my view on them seem to be much more elevated than their view on me. And just like with those friends and just like with my family I always felt like I was working to earn love from them to try to get them to notice me, to want to talk to me, to spend time with me, to want to send my kids cards, to acknowledge their birthdays. It was a heartbreaking empty Life to Live daily. And it caused a lot more issues in our family. It caused us to not always act with logic and to have boundaries. It caused us to jump deeply into relationships with other people to just try to very quickly get that love and family feeling that we were craving. It caused us to do things for people all the time even when it was inconvenient. And buy things for people. And give give give to people who just wanted to take take take.
  I wish that I could say that we are past this and we are beyond this. But even recently we have found ourselves falling into the excitement of being around people and having them treat us nice while we're giving. And to disregard us and disregard our feelings when we're not giving. I can say that in the year that we have been in Arizona God has worked mightily in US. Especially me. He has shown me that I only need him to fill that void. That he loves me no matter what and I don't have to do anything to earn it. I don't even deserve it and he gives it to me. That he loves my children more than I do. He values my marriage more than I do. He calls my husband his son and he loves him dearly. And I need to strive to please him not man. When I'm feeling empty and I am feeling alone he is the one that I can turn to and he will always be there to comfort me and protect me. He is our family and he has blessed us with 5 beautiful children that we are instructed to raise up in him. And they will be our legacy. In this period of intense pain where I was hurt once again God showed me all of this. He used my pain to help me grow and make me stronger. And in that I realized that I didn't even desire any longer to be a part of the family that had spent years abusing me. That I shouldn't want to be loved and cared for by the family who didn't want me. I had him to turn to and he wants me. In all of that and being brought to this peace that overcame me I was able to let go of a lot of things that I have been holding on to. And once I let go,God brought amazing people into our lives that I consider family. And I know those people love me and love my kids and love my husband no matter what. They love us like family. They don't need to tell me all the time that I am their family. They don't need to reassure me that they see me as family. They don't call me their daughter or their sister most of the time. But their actions and their love show me that we are family.

Me too...

How many of you have seen the status "me too " come across your facebook feed in the last couple of days? Seeing this really does stir so much up for me. I personally have seen too many. Its heartbreaking.
  How many of us go day to day holding this all in not talking about it? Why do we do this? For me personally it was because of the constant brainwashing I got as a child.
  I was told so many things. That I was loyal, and loyal people don't tell secrets, no matter what. Loyal people don't stab each other in the back. Loyal people protect each other, no matter what. That it was love. The world doesn't agree, but this is true love. He told me he loved me so much he just couldn't help it . I was given vile disgusting literature and magazines to "normalize" it. I was threatened with harm. I was told I would be taken away and forced to live with people who were worse. That people would hate me.
  I was put into a horrible position. I loved my dad. I didn't want to see him hurt. And he just loved me so much, right? He couldn't help it. I didn't want to be a disloyal person. I didn't want to go live with someone else worse. So I kept my mouth shut. I protected him.

          BUT THEY WERE ALL LIES

I carried this into other relationships. I carried this into adulthood. I was brainwashed for years. And it is so hard to re-train your brain. We learn to protect those that hurt us. Some never learn not to.
  But God showed me otherwise. Are we not still shackled by our captors when we continue to protect them? Are we not still under their power? I was. Even years removed and thousands of miles away. I told people that I was close to. Ones that I knew would never come into contact with him. But I still protected him with our family. I still protected him with friends. I would not risk speaking out and him finding out that I "betrayed" him. I was still a prisoner.
  For years God worked on me and my heart. He encouraged me to break free of those chains and trust him. And I didn't. I wish I would have sooner. It was JUST SO FREEING once i did.
  One year I had a little too much to drink. I called my dad and I asked him why. I said "why did you do that to me?Why did you think it was ok? You were supposed to protect me"  He asked me if I was recording the call. He asked me if my husband knew. Even then I was afraid to tell him. I said " I don't keep anything from my husband" He said "so he knows?" Then I said "I didn't say that..." I was still captive. The call ended with him telling me that he never did anything wrong to me, he just loved me too much.
  What does the bible say about all of this? How does God feel? Because he is not silent on the subject.
  There are rapes in the bible. Not one of them was swept under the rug or kept quiet. They all lead to war. One in particular involved Jacobs daughter Dinah. Dinah was raped by Shechem the Hivite, who was chief of that region. A powerful man. Not only did he see her and take her, but then he professed to LOVE her. He said he loved her so much that he wanted to marry her. When her brothers found out they went and spoke to him. They pretended to be onboard with his plan to marry her and combine their two cities. They said they had one condition though. All the men needed to be circumcised. On the third day after all the men were circumcised and weak, they went into the city and killed all the men.
The other cases have a few details that are different, but ended much the same way.
  In Deuteronomy 22:25-27 we see laws condemning this behavior.  “But if in the field the man finds the girl who is engaged, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lies with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the girl; there is no sin in the girl worthy of death, for just as a man rises against his neighbor and murders him, so is this case. When he found her in the field, the engaged girl cried out, but there was no one to save her.”
  God also says "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open"Luke 8:17
So we know that God does not think this is ok. And we know that God wants all things brought into the open. We also know that HIS love looks NOTHING like what we have been told is love.
Love is patient
love is kind.
It does not envy
it does not boast
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others
it is not self-seeking
it is not easily angered
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

I support this "Me too" campaign. I feel it is a good step in the right direction. We need to teach others that they can stand up. They can voice their hurts and their pains. Because, lets be honest, its not just the perpetrator that makes victims feel like they can't speak about it. It is just as much of a taboo topic as mental illness. People look at you different. People tell you that you probably shouldn't talk about it. Family members stop talking to you....
  I want you all to know it's ME TOO. I am here for you. The Lord is there. He wants you to speak. He wants to heal all your broken pieces.
  When I first started my journey with the Lord, as a brand new believer he gave me a promise. A promise I want to share with you .
 
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

When the Lord first told me this, I said to him 'I dont believe you. I dont think you can....but i will TRY to trust you"

In my most broken moments ,sometimes all i could do was read this verse over and over,reassuring myself of his promise to me. 

  I want to tell you that I am not whole yet. I will only be whole when i stand face to face with him. But the repairs he has made in me were beyond my wildest dreams. And i KNOW he can do the same for you. 

This could get really deep

This may be my most real and raw blog yet. I know it will be hard for me to publish this.
  As a child I was severely abused. Some know this. Some may find it shocking. A lot of you know my dad. Maybe its just something you can't see him doing. That's not shocking to me. Years ago I opened up to one of my sisters. I told her the things our dad had done that she was not aware of. First she told me I ruined her life. Then she told me she didn't believe me. Maybe it was denial? I don't know. But I do know that it just reinforced the idea that I needed to keep it to myself. Not tell anyone, because its just another battle I don't want to have to navigate. Satan has fed into this.
  You see I was taught from a very young age to protect my parents. When my mom was driving around drunk and high with me, I was taught to lie to the police for her. I was taught that we tell the police nothing. And we had many encounteres with the police. I remember one time the police came to a hotel we had been staying at. Myself, my mom, one of her friends and 5 other kids. We had been there about a month. Us kids taking care of ourselves while our moms sat around and got high. The toilet had backed up. My moms friend called the front desk to get it taken care of. At some point it escalated into threats and the police getting called. They talked to my mom and her friend. Filed reports. But one of the police officers took me out into the hallway. He crouched down eye level with me. I can still picture his face in my mind.
He looked at me and asked me if I was ok. He wanted to know the last time I had eaten. I still remember the fear. I had been taught to NEVER talk to the police. But I was so hungry. And I wanted to go home to my Grammy. I knew she would be worried. He seemed so kind. I had witnessed cops that were the polar opposite. Mean, dirty cops. I just wanted to tell him everything. That I was hungry. And I wanted to go home. I wanted to tell him everything that had gone on with my mom. But I didn't. I said I was fine. Everything was good. I still remember the look of disapointment, but understanding on his face. I was 6.
  I was taught in the same way to protect my step mom. When I was 7 I went to live with my dad. My Grammy and my aunt Becky came up with this plan. When my mom went to prison, they would convince her to send me to stay with my dad. Once she got out I would go back with her. But their plan was to send me away to him and he would not give me back. And that's what happened. At first I got to talk to my mom. We didn't have a phone in the house. So we would get into the truck and drive to a payphone at a scheduled time. I'd call my mom and talk for a little bit. My mom was angry and jealous. She was worried my dad would turn me against her. Her fears were valid.
  One day I talked to my mom. I don't remember the context of the conversation. But I do remember it upset me. I came back to the car upset. My dad asked if she had upset me. I said yes. He subtly said "doesn't that make you not want to talk to her anymore...you don't have to talk to her" I knew what he wanted to hear. And I wanted to make him happy. So I said no I didn't want to. I never talked to my mom again. Not until I was in my early 20's. I was 8.
  After that, my dad and step mom had free reign. No one to check on me. No one to hold them accountable. Life changed. My dad got meaner. My step mom still seemed to be completely disconnected from me. But now she had a mean spirit to her. She was cold. No affection. No love. I could never do anything right. Somehow I was always in trouble and I didn't know why. I remember the first time she hit me. We had just moved into a house. I had my own room for the first time in my life. For some reason I got sent to my bed. I had to lay there and stare at the wall. I was there for maybe an hour. She came in out of nowhere. Sat down on the floor next to my bed. And then she started punching me over and over. All over my body. She was crying. Screaming " I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" suddenly she just stopped. Got up and walked out.
  She did these things often. I was told not to bring it up to my dad. She said if I did he would just get mad again and I'd get punished again. As the years progressed it got worse. After one particular explosive incident of her beating me all day, naked, with a large leather belt, pushing me behind doors, slamming them on me. My siblings running around. Literally jumping on the bed as I'm bent over it getting beat, she told me that if I told my dad, I would be taken to foster care. A threat that had been made against me before, but that was used even more blatantly that day.
  On a pretty regular basis my dad and step mom would make me pack all of my things into trash bags. They would put me in the car. The whole time telling me I was going to foster care. To live with people I didn't know. That i'd never see my family again. They would hurt me. So it was pretty ingrained in me that they would get rid of me.
  I learned to protect her from my dad and from the world. I was told that I better never talk to anyone about this because people already hated me enough. They already heard what a horrible child I was. They were angry. And if I told anyone else, they would feel the same way. So my general view of people around me was that they hated me. They thought I was horrible. They thought my treatment was justified.
  I would hear my step mom talking to her sister on the phone. Her sister would suggest I go to foster care. She would talk for hours about how horrible I was. How hard it was to live with me. Never mentioning how I would be starved for a week. Locked in my room. How I was not allowed to walk through the house. But if I had to I was not allowed to look at anyone. If I glanced up I got yelled at. Or hit. My step mom taught my toddler sister to say things like " mom she's staring at us with her ugly face"
When people would come over and I would walk with my head down, they would blow it off and make remarks like " she likes to act abused so people feel sorry for her. Look what her mom taught her. We have so much to deal with because of her mom"
  Sometimes we would go to family parties with my step moms family. My step moms sister was always very cold. Barely acknowledged I was there. Left me out of pictures. It just reinforced that I was hated. Years later my step moms mother died. The family came together. She was there. We went out to eat. She didn't talk to me. Looked right through me. Acted like I didn't exist. Looked at my dad and talked ABOUT me, using the wrong name and saying or whatever her name is.
  I felt I had nowhere to turn....
In middle school I opened up to a friend. She was in a similar home life. One of our other friends called cps. They came and talked to me at school. I refused to talk to them. I got in trouble from my parents. Eventually they came to our home. I was pushed into lying. My dad also pushed me into writing a false letter stating that my friend and I made it up for attention. Cps left. Life got worse. It made me bury my secrets even more. It made me angry. Depressed. I felt alone. I was isolated.
  The day that my step mom beat me all day with a belt naked was a turning point in my life. And its probably the hardest part about my story to share. Its hard because I was conditioned my whole life to protect these people. Protect my abusers. In 31 now. I have been out of my childhood home since I was 18. I have 5 kids. I'm married. I have overcome so much. I have shared my story with others. Some in my family know. But a part of myself, a part I'm working so hard to defeat, still feels the need to protect my dad. Because I was brainwashed. Because of all the times that those around me reinforced the idea that I needed to remain silent. Because I'm so TERRIFIED of the storm this could create in my family. EVEN THOUGH they are not in my life. EVEN THOUGH they wrote me off and deleted me.
  On the flip side I'm TERRIFIED that no one will care.
  But I need to heal. I need to trust God. I need to get this weight off of me. The people that matter to me, they will still be there. " When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." The ones that I'm worrying about protecting have never been there for me. Have never done a thing for me or my kids. They were not there when we were living in a tent. They have not even acknowledged me. I can no longer be a slave to these people.
  The day that my step mom beat me all day didn't start off any different. I had to go do my chores. It was summer. No school. That consisted of going in the backyard and picking up dog crap. I couldn't miss anything. This always took hours. Because after being done I got inspected. Anything that may have been part of dog poop, or even a small pebble that may be dog crap was a no pass. I had to clean my room. Things that shouldn't take long, but took hours because I was set up to fail. I was not allowed to wash dishes or anything like that. Because I was considered contaminated. When I touched doorknobs or walls it was immediately sprayed with Lysol. Not because our house was super clean or anything. It was a pigsty most of the time. But just because I touched it. If I touched a blanket that was not mine it got thrown in the wash right away.
  I don't remember how the abuse started. But it always did. Everyday. Without fail. I had my skull cracked open, twice. I usually got dragged down the hall by my hair resulting in tons if hair loss. You name it. But this day it started and did not stop. All day. My step mom would take breaks to eat and pee. All that. She would leave me bent over her bed naked. Then she would come back in and beat me. She would beat me with the belt. Her fists.
She pushed me behind her bathroom door and slammed it on me until it broke off from the hinges. She started to do the same with her bedroom door. She dragged me by my hair. Bloodied my nose. Smashed my head into the wall. All day. I was weak. Shaking. Covered in tears, blood, urine and sweat. All of this went on while my siblings ran around us laughing. Jumping up and down. They were 8,5, 4 and 4. She told them to point and laugh.
  I thought it would never end. But at some point she composed herself and calmly told me to go clean myself off. I did. I was still weak and shaky. She told me to go clean my room. She kept coming in to explain to me how she had talked to my dad already. If I didn't want to go to foster care I better not even bring it up. She was threatening me. She looked worried. I knew he didn't know. But I didn't plan on telling him.
  My dad came home. I always went outside to greet him. I didn't want to that day. But I knew if I didn't it would be even more suspicious. So I went out side. I was walking slowly. I was injured..and shaky. I think he noticed, because he didn't get out. He just watched me. I went around to the drivers side. I said " hi daddy" He just looked at me. He said " what's wrong?!" I said "nothing" His face got stone hard. I could see the anger. I was so scared. Terrified. He looked at me and said " get in the car now" I knew I was done. I should have acted better.
  I climbed in the car and he said " tell me right now what happened" I was shaking uncontrollably now. So scared. But I knew I needed to explain myself. What I had done. So I started to tell him. He listened. Asked me questions. Told me that my face was covered in bruises. I can only imagine what was going on in my step moms head as we sat out there in the car.
Then my dad said " stay here and don't move" Then he got out of the car and went inside.
  I sat in the car for probably 15 minutes. I felt sick. I felt like I was going to pass out. So I went inside. I heard my dad screaming and yelling at my step mom. He told her to never touch me again. Stay away from me. She was no longer allowed to be involved in parenting me at all. Needless to say, its not what I expected. But it was life changing. I wish I could say for the best.
  My dad wasn't a saint. Its not like he didn't hit me, or abuse me in other ways on a normal basis. He had just never gone AS FAR as her. After that she had no authority over me. She was still very child like. She would snoop in my room. Tattle to my dad about every little thing. Hide things she didn't want me to use. It was like living in a mad house. My dad would come home and discipline me after my step mom gave him a laundry list of horrible things I did. Things changed.
  It all started with my dad having me come in and nap with him. He worked grave yards and slept in the day. He would talk to me about how horrible she was. Say I was so much nicer about waking him. He didn't want to be around her. He would rub me. I felt uncomfortable, but wanted love.
Later it progressed to more. One day he sent me to his room to await my beating. He would strip me naked and bend me over his bed and beat me with the leather belt. But one day he said " do you want to get out of this?" Of course I said yes. He pulled me over to the bathroom. Pulled down his pants and said" all you have to do is put this in your mouth" I looked at him scared. Worried. He said it was ok. It wasn't bad. It was hard to decipher good and bad. I had spent my first 7 years watching my mom have sex. She would have sex with random men with me in the bed. I didn't want to be beat anymore. So I did it. I cried. He shoved it down my throat until I choked. It was horrible, but in my mind better than being beat. I was 11.
  This went on for years. It progressed. Things got worse. I got worse. I wanted to die. I've talked to my dad through the years. He has told me that the only thing he did wrong was love me too much. God has brought me so far. Most people can't imagine the person I was before I had Jesus. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  That's the very first promise God ever gave me. And I didn't believe him. I told him I didn't believe him. But I also told him that I would give him a chance. Every time I felt anger, I felt pain, every time I needed something to cling to...I quoted this verse. Eventually I started healing. I still have more healing to do. I have come SO FAR. But I have so far to go.
  ALL of this in my background is why I have allowed so much abuse as an adult.I have justified it on my mind that it was nothing compared to my childhood.  Even now I want to trash this blog and protect my dad. Keep all my struggles private.. And that is what I have been battling.
God is my strength. And he's helping me to be stronger. But I needed to get the weight off of me...

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

Is it really shocking though?

I know I said my next post would be about HOW we became homeless. But it's not. Sometime there are just other things going on. Other things on your heart. So it's hard to get your focus there where it needs to be.
  I keep having this debate in myself. Should I go on? Should I continue to do this. It's easy for me to want to fall into the social media trap of "everything is great over here!" I read a post the other day that said "I can assure you ,the grass is always greener on Social Media.." That sure stuck with me. Because it's so true!! Or I just wonder "what's the point anyway?" I think MAYBE one person read my last blog post...if that.  Am I the only one that feels that way? Unseen? Unheard? Unimportant? I suspect not. But there's so much stigma behind these feelings, that people just don't reach out. Have you ever voiced this type of thing to have people tell you that you are crazy? Or maybe they tell you how great your life is? Or if you talk about feelings of anxiety, or depression they just tell you not to be depressed. Or don't be anxious.
  Its so much easier said than done...
If you have ever dealt with deep depression, you know it's not that easy. Its sometimes a choice...but not always. Not when it's really bad. Sometimes, in the middle of your happiness your depression comes out of nowhere. Like a attack from behind when you least expect it. You wonder "why am I so sad?"  You can't figure out how to stop those feelings. How do you CHOOSE to be happy like everyone keeps telling you.
  You try to reach out to those close to you. Try to be honest. You tell them how you are feeling. If you are anything like me you will hear things like "don't be sad, don't be depressed" "this is a choice you make. To be happy or not" "get some exercise" " your faith is not strong enough" "read your bible more" "just stop thinking that way" While well intentioned (in most cases) it doesn't feel helpful. All that those voices in your head serve to do is make you feel MORE like a failure. And you do feel like a failure. A failure because you can't just stay happy. Because you feel like you are failing your kids. Failing your spouse.
  For me personally, I want everyone to leave me, and stay away. I feel like I'm bad for everyone. I'll bring them down. They'll have to deal with me. I feel unloved. I want all of this, but at the same time I desperately want everyone to stay and tell me they love me anyway.
  I don't need to be told these are deep seeded issues that I need to deal with. I know that. I am navigating that as best as I can. WITH GOD. My depression doesn't mean I don't have God. It just means maybe there's more work to be done in me than in you. And that's between me and God. I just need to be told that I'm cared for and loved. And I may forget that faster than other people do...but those issues..
  Maybe you don't understand any of this at all. And that's ok. In fact that's great!!! Don't be afraid to say that. Reach out to those around you. Because you never know where they are in life. I hear so many people say things about those who commit suicide. They call them selfish. They say they never suspected. They say people with depression hide it so well. Maybe that is so... with some people. But I know many people, myself included, who have been on the edge. Who have reached out, only to have no one listen.
  It's easy to get lost in your life. To get too busy. It's easy to write people off. Call them "snowflakes" say they are whining. Tell people to get over themselves and stop complaining. But it's just as easy, if not easier, to let people know you care for them.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another" John 13:34

I think it's finally time

God has put it on my heart for years and years that I really needed to open up and share. I always find an excuse. I always let that fear overcome me. I let those thoughts creep in that are obviously from the enemy. "No one will care" "what if people care too much and it blows up into a huge drama" "people will think your stupid" ECT. Hey, that may all be true. Every last bit of it. But this is not about all of you. Its about God. Its about what he has put on my heart.  It's about me. Its about my healing and moving past the junk in my life. Its about my husband and my kids. Healing to be the best mom that I can possibly be and the best wife. And it's about that one person. The one who reads my words and knows that God sent me their way because I said something they needed to hear. Its about making everything we went through mean more than just heartache and pain. Its about letting God do what he does :) "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them" Romans 8:28.
  So here's the funny thing about this. One subject this morning pushed me over the edge and made me decide to just do it! Just sit down and start typing. Homelessness. I see so many people have this idea about the kinds of people that are homeless. And it's heartbreaking. But we'll come back to that. So I'm all ready to jump on this thing. Come on here and finally just start spilling it. I download this app. It asks me to sign in with my Google email. I do. And I see a post on there already. So I think "this must be a sample" I open it up and start reading. Nope. Its not a sample. Its a previous blog post that I wrote. One very similar to this. One talking about the things God has done in my life. Talking about my need to get my story out. So I've obviously been down this road before. I remember doing it. And I let someone read it. The response I got was "well there really isn't much there" It seems like a simple statement. But, at the time..it was enough to make me feel inadequate. Enough to make me not to want to continue. I'm sure some read that find it pathetic. But, that's how high my confidence was. And can still be at times. I know there are people out there that relate to that. So, I'm going to try not to give up this time. I'm going to try not to let what others think bring me down. This is one of the things the Lord is working on in me right now. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."Galatians 1:10
I need to not focus on trying to please everyone, because I do that, a lot!
So, homelessness. Last year in 2016, we were homeless. To clarify "we" to those reading that do not know me, we are me, my husband, and our 5 kids. Plus our pets. Describing us, first and foremost, we are a Christian family. Believers in Jesus Christ. Second we are a military family. And third I would say we are a homeschool family. And last year we ended up homeless.
  The stereotype I see and hear often, and I'm sure you have heard it, is homeless people are lazy drunk druggies. "Go get a job" is often hurled. That stereotype is FALSE. My husband, at the time, was an active duty marine. He had 13 years" 2 tours to Iraq and 2 other deployments under his belt. He was far from a lazy drunk,druggie. Nonetheless when we reached out for help, he was told to get a job. No one even asked who he REALLY was. WHY we needed help. Or what brought us to where we were. So what did my husband do? He got ANOTHER job.
  You may be thinking to yourself...this is a special circumstance. This is not typical. Most people are lazy drunken druggies. You are WRONG. During the time we were homeless, and since then after, we have met SO many people with stories like ours. Yes that includes active duty military! It truly opened my eyes. It opened my husband's eyes. Because you know what? We had that stereotype in our head too. It was such a hard time. And I can say my faith was not as strong then. But I can see that God used our situation to grow us. To strengthen us, in him. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29 "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13
To show us things we otherwise would not have.
Next time, I'll get into what led up to us being homeless. So thanks for reading so far!!
P.S. Christmas is our most recent family pic!

A New Journey

This blog has been a long time coming. I have a lot to say!
 First, let me explain the "Grace, Bindings & Semper Fi". #1 God has given me a LOT of grace. I'm sure a lot of people can identify with that in their own lives.  #2, God has given me bindings. What do I mean by bindings? Well God tells us
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (psalms 147:3).This is a verse I have clung to for years. This is my life verse. I have needed numerous bindings. Not just one. I have had so much brokenheartedness in my life. I was broken. Not JUST my heart. Whenever I needed the reminder I went back to this verse and read it again and again. Sometimes I read it and felt like there was no way for my brokenheart to heal. But I read it to remind myself that he said it, so he would.
 Lastly "Semper fi" is there because the Marine Corps is a big part of my life. I am not a marine, but I often feel like I might as well be. I don't know, because I've never been one, but I don't feel like a "normal" wife. There are so many struggles that military spouses face, and military families, that just are not a part of regular everyday life for most people.
 Don't get me wrong! I am not saying my life is harder. I am not saying I don't love it. I'm just saying it is different, and yes, it can be really hard. It also has great joys!  This is where I would like to share all that with you.
  Like I said, I have a lot to say, but it's not always easy. So bear with me as I try to walk this out. I want to share my testimony with you as well as my life. This is something that has been on my heart for a long long time. Years. But I have been too scared to step up and share. I'm having faith and trust in the Lord. I'm just going to walk this out and see where it leads me.
 Thanks so much for reading.  If you have something on your heart that you want to say, please say it. I need support and encouragement.  And I always appreciate prayers ♡